surrounded by a worlds worth

PS

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 03:00:07 GMT

Fuck this writer's guild strike.

Thanks for putting Hollywood on hold while you try to make more money that you don't deserve.

Not an attack against writers...no one in the filmmaking business should be making as much money as they are (guild wise, anyway).

We could feed small countries with half the salaries that people get.

Film/TV simply shouldn't cost as much to make as it does. Most of it's due to fucking compensation for unimportant work, anyway.

Again--that unimportant isn't towards writing.

The filmmaking business is a rip off.

...now give me my BFA.

Happy fuckin' Halloween

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 03:19:14 GMT

So yeah...Claire & Charles are life savers of life savers that save lives and fucking rock.

Thank you thank you thank you!

--

Moved out of the old place and into the new one.

Last night was silly. My housemates threw the Halloween party but,me & Schmuck left before it got going after a pathetic game of 9 ball. We had a very nice date :-) Put me in a great mood all day. Can't get over what a good guy he is. I can see where there might be issues down the road but, something tells me we could just talk about it. Honesty is all I asked for and it's all I'm getting. Lovely.

When he dropped me off, the party had broken up a bit due to the cops droppin' by because the townie fucking band that decided to set up was a little loud plus, someone trashed Tom's room and he got pissed and starting threatening people with a samurai sword.

Anyway, I walk into a house full of drunk as hell people who thought they were driving home so I proceeded to take keys and drive a few car fulls around town. The last run I got blocked in by a car that said they had a DD. The car died and when we were jumping it the owner of the car wouldn't let me help and almost killed himself like 5 times then got in the fucking car and backed right into my other housemate, Trevor's, car. I shouldn't have let him drive :-(

When I get back at 4, Tom and Dan are SCREAMING at each other over some shit and when that's done we sat around the kitchen for a few minutes, then Tom and I had a pretty intense heart-to-heart until like 6 in the morning. I haven't really opened up to anybody directly about how depressed I've been this term. Shit's gotten pretty bad and a couple nights, I don't know how I made it through, to be honest. He and I aren't the best of buds and I was scared that we'd kill each other when I moved in but, somehow he made me feel like he actually wanted to hear it. Gave me some really good advice too. I actually feel like I might be able to get over this and get back on track with school.

Yeah. So, parties are by invitation only from now on. I told them, though, that whenever Charlotte and Raleigh folks came they could do whatever and stay as long as they want because you're all respectful, good people and wouldn't turn shit stupid.

--

The movie built a guest room in the attic so we got that going now! I think we should rent it out and make rent even fucking cheaper. Anyone wanna move in and have their own floor?

--

Gaffing this weekend :-) Just saw the set for the only real lighting that I'll be doing. It's pretty fucking gross looking. Which is what Mr. Frink wants, sooooo....it is. HA.

I get to use a space light for the first time. Those things are hard to shape and the curve on one of the walls may disappear if I lose too much direction. We'll see. I wanna try giving it a little something on top of the space...like a warmer colored fresnel with a little softness of it's own? Give it some depth and texture.

It's painting with light after all.

Had a meeting with the Mrs. tonight and I could tell by her lighting diagram what stop she wanted to shoot at! Felt like I know what I'm doing.

--

I was watching a movie tonight in Black Cinema and this blind dude says...

"Son, I've been blind for thirty years..."

And I proceeded to laugh hysterically but, no one else got it.

How can I be in the right school with the wrong crowd?

It's a bummer you all aren't filmmakers.

i may not be able to save the whole fucking world

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 08:14:39 GMT

4 out of the last 10 of my posts have been friends only.

and 7 out of my friends last 10 posts have been friends only.

what are we hiding from?

--

Moving tomorrow! Didn't know that until today. Gonna be sweet to be in a new place & still have 12 days to migrate between homes to clean/tie up loose ends, etc.

--

Saw the cut of the movie I gaffed in Charlotte a few weeks ago and...damn. That shit turned out so fucking sweet. Everything the DP asked for was there despite all the hub-bub it went through it post. I was terrified that I didn't get as harsh/contrasted with things and the transfer to black and white would look fucking washed out or some shit. But....it looks sleek and gritty (yeah...I put 'em together but, anyone who knows black & white cinema knows how wonderful those two styles work together) and it's going on the reel, for sure.

--

Also, built a light this week! Something to be proud of, for sure.

--

Feeling sickly and it's definitely affecting my mood a bit. Either that or my mood sucks and my health sucks.

--

This evening was revealing, I suppose. Nice, intriguing...revealing.

--

Speaking of work-folks. One of my co-workers got that mercer staff infection thing :-/ Sucks so much for him. He's had to take a shit-ton of time off of work & def. can't afford it PLUS he has to get rid of everything in his apartment so he doesn't get it again :-( 'Tis fucking lame.

Now folks at work are getting paranoid that it's just floating in the air and we're all gonna turn into zombies. Granted, it's running a lil' rampant here in Winston but, shit's hard to get.

We'll see.

--

One week from tomorrow I will be gaffing for film for the FIRST TIME in like 8 months! So effin' psyched. Despite the fact that I'm essentially doing the "ugly" stuff. What they don't understand is that that's not within my capabilities as a gaffer. Stylizied, yes. Ugly, no. Even if we just call ugly stylelized (how the fuck do you spell that shit...it's way to 4 in the morning for this shit) I'll be happy.

--

Aannnnnd break.

Peace. Be kind, rewind. Keep it tv safe (in the words of Mr. Matt Cabinum).

i guess it's just as well

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 00:48:53 GMT

so tired

so very tired

i'm tired

and tired

and sleep likes me

and i love sleep

but it's not equally requited because

sleep just likes me

48 hours without it

sleep needs me

it just doesn't know it yet

t-minus 2 hours

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 20:43:04 GMT

date!

so excited i could.....

pee out of a tree!

i've put some of my best flirting into this, dammit.

here's hoping it doesn't end with either of us changing our bank accounts or calling the cops!

Um.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 00:36:26 GMT

I'm moving into Hawthorne.

For you Charlotte folks that haven't been there....it's my film school's answer to a frat house.

2 man slingshot from the second floor balcony.

Rock on.

Too bad I just started my sober streak and there's a steady supply of all things unsober there.

excitement

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 16:50:24 GMT

The other night's drunken post may have stated some of this but, I've got a lotta shit I'm starting to get pumped about.

-Thesis project
-2 independent gaffing credits to add onto the one I've got. One's a commercial and shit!
-Gradu-fucking-ation.
-Getting sober!
-Cute guy that's going to be a great influence on me getting sober.
sub-note on him: he's also probably one of the most respectful folks I've met recently. I'm definitely getting the likin' me vibe. he gave me his number last week :-)
-Thinkin' the psycho ex is done fucking around.
-Finally settled on where I'm gonna go get my masters. Colorado, bitches. Now I gotta decide between the Denver school and the Boulder school.
-Think my dad has started understanding that I just can't pay for everything myself anymore.
-Soon to be moving!
-FUCKING AWESOME PARTY/COOKOUT THIS SATURDAY MOTHER FUCKERS!

Yay.

They let us off set for a couple hours cause we gotta wait for the light to get right...since I'm gaffing, I should probably be there waiting for the light too but, I'm getting the impression that they don't really need me.

Day/exterior = no fun for Jessie.

Also, who puts a very dark black person in a white shirt and puts them outside on the sunniest fucking day of days?? The person that's going to make the rest of my day helllllll...that's who.

blahblah...i'm done!

It's all in the...

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 03:23:40 GMT

fuck.

Ha.

no, but for serious...i couldn't be more excited about these next 5-7 years.

things have been slowly but surely coming into perspective.

starting to figure out what i want from the future, what i'll be getting from the past, and what all this adds up to in the long run.

probably not what i always have thought it would be but, am i gonna be happy? aka am i gonna be proud of what i've done and who i am? fuck-motherfucking-yes.

give it time.

give it time.

give it time.

ps-i'm legal bitches!

Hats off to beer, my boys.

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 01:05:03 GMT

holy fucking shit last night was awesome.

Seriously. I don't know the last time I laughed for such an extended amount of time.

Went by David of thy Walker's place and all the boys were there!!!! At a time where I really need to know that there are good guys out there, I had five of about the best of 'em around me.

Also, my boss got me the sweetest present today.

Also....21 in 4 days, bitches.

I haven't slept for more than 6 hours in the past few days (that's total) and I'm about fucking wiped.

So, now I'm gonna grab some grub and head over to an undisclosed (indisclosed?...huh?) meeting place bout this independent lil' thing I'm doing in Charlotte Oct. 6/7.

Anyone wanna help? No experience necessary.

I'm so glad we got that straightened away.

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 06:09:54 GMT

What a night. What a day.

I am too surprised over how excited I am about this.

& that's probably why it's happening.

Just a phase with no end.

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 00:21:32 GMT

Finally got the fuck out of Winston without it being West Jefferhell. Wasn't Charleston but, maybe in a couple weeks. Went over to Raleigh where Lauren and Desmond live to chill with them, Claire, Charles, Ryan and Nick. It was good to see all of them after about 3 months. We didn't do too terribly much which was great for my first weekend off all summer. It was interesting, the things I realized while hanging out with them.

Think my favorite part of the weekend was calling David and, out of nowhere, we started passing the phone around saying random things to him. Amusing as fuck. It went on for farrrr too long.

Actually, no, my favorite part was playing Scategories.

No...wait...my favorite part was......FINDING OUT ANI DIFUCKINGFRANCO IS GOING TO BE WITHIN DRIVING DISTANCE FOR 3 SHOWS THIS NOVEMBER!!!!!! And not just driving distance, ya'll, pretty much a cough away (Compared to NY): Asheville, Atlanta, and Durham. I probably won't end up going to Atlanta cause I spent a lotta money travelling to NY but, Asheville and Durham will be happening (even though I'm gaffing the weekend of the Asheville one...I'll just pop on over and come back...buwahaha). We'll see. 3 Ani shows in a week sounds like the closest thing to heaven.

I came into work and there were 2 Ani cds chillin' in my box :-D Awwww. How sweet.

It sucks that I thought I was going to be able to not want anything more with this businessman but, we've been chatting a good bit and it's only been a week or so since I've seen him and it hurts in my heart a little bit. He's going to be in the area, well on this coast at least, for the next couple of years :-D That's exciting.

This dude at work was half-assed asking me out this week & I've thought he's a cutie for a good bit but, he's just not the businessman, I guess. He doesn't do drugs or drink which would be a great change of pace. It's the ones that drink too much or do too many drugs that make me question the long road. Dunno. Think I'll start with this one by chilling as friends. He doesn't seem like he'd mind that.

Maybe alone is what I need. Soon, I'll be working at least 3 jobs and going to school so I don't even think I'll have time for myself, let alone a guy.

Blahblah.

DAVID...I saw that highway shit today :-) Unscathed and massive! Tomorrow, I'm gonna get over to take pictures of that shit downtown.

Somebody hook me and Claire up on this Eljay...and any other cool folks I'm missing!

Time to reorganize my room for the new year! Even though I'm moving out soon, haha.

PS-THANK YOU SO MUCH MS. LAUREN LASHUA FOR HAVING ME OVER THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO HOSPITABLE! PASS ALONG MY GRATITIUDE TO DESMOND, IF YOU WILL!!!!! MUAH!

FahQ

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 13:57:41 GMT

Dammit.

So. We wrapped production. Got a little absurdly drunk. The boys and I walked down to the shack to grab some jesus statues and take pictures on the porch.

And then....we found an axe. And things got stupid.

We wrecked the place we've been shooting at all summer. Chopped up the stairs on the porch. Holes in walls. Rocks through windows. The sinks were shattered. And (my contribution) I added another hole to the ceiling. Why?

I don't fucking know. It's not like they're never going back down there. Even though that's what our drunk asses said at the time.

And, of course, at about 9 this morning I get a call from a very upset director. He just wants to know if I did it as an attack towards him and keeps pushing the question of do I resent him...so...in addition to ruining his day after wrap I told him that, yes, I do resent the fact that someone with no experience got to do this and then did it in such a chicken-with-his-head-cut-off way. Not in those words. I just said that his inexperience was apparent and that I made the decision mid-way through that I would not work with him again.

What a horrible way to end all of our first features. I don't think I've ever done anything more disrespectful. I made a 30 year old man cry today.

I mean, at least I was the one who faced up first and was entirely honest. It was one person mainly that did all the damage and he's already lost a lot from this show. I'm afraid he's going to be mad at me but, Adrian asked if one person did it more than the others and I couldn't lie. I did say that I'd rather not name names but, he could assume who it was and we were on the same page.

This sucks. And why am I not sleeping? It's my first day off in 2 and a half or 3 months. Probably because of the guilt.

Hopefully this is the worst mistake I ever make.

HAHAHAHA...DONE.

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 02:29:07 GMT

done.

done.

done.

i'm done, mother fuckers.

drinkin' beers

having a summer

i'm done!

bitches.

just wrapped my first feature.

and.

welll...

i'm done!

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 21:02:23 GMT

you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

Fuckin' Kugel.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 04:54:02 GMT

Well, it probably couldn't have gotten any better if we'd tried this weekend.

One more shooting day left. And then drunkeness to the point of regretting everything I did the night before.

I actually drank on set for the first time this weekend. It was professional as hell. Started a trend though as everyone joined me in my drinks.

Last night was probably the most fun night that I've had all summer (with the exception of Ms. DiFranco's show, of course) and that's saying a lot as last weekend was pretty amazing too.

Everyone passed out early as fuck but, before that we...I just don't even want to give the details. It was an honest, good time. Afterwards I talked to some folks in Charlotte and hopefully made plans for visiting and such soon.

By the by: SEPTEMBER 29TH...be sure to get your time off work and your designated driver lined up because I will be throwing a massive 21st bday party. It's actually going to be the collective get together of all those with the pleasure of turning 21 this year. 2 kegs and a makeshift liquour bar, bitches.

Got a date tomorrow night that has been a year in the making. So. Fucking. Exciting.

Thinking the dealio with the businessman isn't gonna fly much farther. He's about outta here and (this may shock and disturb you) he esses a bit too much pizza for this girl.

Time to hit the effin' hay, though. Just did an unusually long night of designated driving. Thinking it was the company though. Plus, we got kicked out of the last place because I'm underage. That's effin' gay. I'm the DD. Not trying to drink.

GO SEE SUPERBAD. Best teen comedy in at least a decade. No joke. It's the funniest thing I've seen from that crew.

A'ight. Time to see if the bed bugs bite.

Photos from A Noise of Many Waters set.

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 23:13:48 GMT

This is the puggle, Potroast, that the director/lead actor and his wife/lead actress are having to give up and my mom is adopting for a short time. I'll hopefully be able to take him when I move into my own place next year. He's a sweetie. Gotta give him a new name because it's not a nice one and he also responds to Stupid :-( Jerks.

The house we're staying in and the crew eating lunch. Suzanne is drinking a 22 and acting like she's in Spring Break. Rachel and Jason are chatting over sandwiches and icecream. A typical Sunday @ noon when we've decided to wrap early.

This is Empit. Pretty much looks like this 24/7. Except sometimes he wakes up in a foul mood and it's really sad. He's just a little man with a constant shit-eating grin. love him to death.

Graham. Our horribly abusive and over-controlling first assistant director. Dude doesn't stop cracking the whip.

And that's all sarcasm that I just can't keep up and a lie I couldn't even try to pull. Look at his face!

Our sound DEPARTMENT HEAD (and he ain't afraid to say it), John facing off with the combined begging powers of beagle and pug put together. John won, amazingly. I always lose.

Our fearless (and other-less) leader, Adrian, before shaving the beard and losing the extensions. The character is a dude that's been living essentially alone in the woods for 16 years.

His wife, Suzanne. Her character falls in love with him while on vacation with her dad and lucks out that he's really hot under all that shit. Yeah. Sounds like a porn, doesn't it?

So, after a long day of shooting and doing this pretty cool evening for night shoot of a campfire scene we roasted some marshmallows, made s'mores, told a few stories, and...of course...boiled a goat skull.

Miss Rachel Keown, the director of photography and one of my closest friends of three years. She's a trip.

The shack that we're shooting in and around for a good third or so of the movie. Down the hill about over 100 yards from the house. Love those cable runs on this generator- and real equipment-less show.

Oh the ridge. The ridge that's kicked our calves and asses into high gear.

Production meeting. :-) As most of our conversations are designed to get back to something we should've been discussing earlier.

Tapper. He's the big dog of the house. But, he plays like a toddler with sharp teeth that he enjoys wrapping around your wrist for no particular reason. Seriously, it kind of hurts sometimes and that's why no one but me will play with him.

--

Dunno why I posted these except for I guess that it's cool enough for both the facebook and the eljay. Now I gotta work on dealing with this roomate stuff.

But, first to call some folks. Of folk, rather. Then perhaps a nap.

Blahhhh.

ugh.

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 16:49:18 GMT

So I just moved my futon because it got somewhat rearranged yesterevening and when I was done said to myself "hey that wasn't bad maybe I'm getting better...."

and then I puked. Not on the futon but, still.

'Twas hot.

This is why I took my first day off of work (that wasn't forced) in the nearly full year I've been working there. I think I'm okay and then the tinniest movement puts me in a world of pain or causes intense nausea.

The nausea's the part that worries me because I had it before everything else and then it went away (along with my appetite) and now it's back. With a fucking vengeance.

I really shouldn't go work on set this weekend. Damn being one of two cinematography crew members with the DP as a 'close friend'. #3208942039481093109 on the downside of that position list. Thank god this is my internship. I've gotten all of the hours.

My family here in NC finally chilled out on me a tad. I was having issues letting them know what was wrong with me because it seems like everytime something bad has happened to me this summer (which has been consistently the whole summer), my dad has gotten more and more upset with the way I'm handling it. It finally got to the point where I just flat-out needed my family's help without being concerned about my obligations to them. So, last night I called and just told them that at this point my insurance wasn't letting me see a doctor, I've been getting progressively worse for three weeks, and I'm scared of whatever this is because it's gotten serious. And they got the message. My step-mom figured out the insurance and offered to come up for a day to help out and get me to a doctor and my dad called seperately and said that if I didn't work on set (not to not work on set...just if that's what I wanted to do) and if I want to come home, that they would come get me and let me have a couple days to relax.

I won't be taking off crew but, damn that was sweet and so tempting because part of what's making this worse is that I miss my family so much. This is the longest, hardest stretch of time I've had without seeing any family so it's all the more difficult.

ramble ramble. time for food searching.

Fuck.

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 00:21:13 GMT

This weekend was fucking weird.

Weird dreams. Weird drama on set. Weird doctor that doesn't know anything.

I've been trying not to get down about shit lately but, everything kind of caught up to me all of the sudden and I had a breakdown last night.

Made some drunken calls that I regret. Nick had to talk to me for like an hour at 4 in the morning just to calm me down. And I didn't really get calm. I just got more and more upset until I was about to pass out. Thinkin' he's pretty worried right now.

Haven't broken down like that in a good bit but, I'm noticing more and more that when I do it, it gets a lot more intense. Instead of growing up and getting over certain aspects of my past and pressures of the future, it gets worse. I'm consistently dissatisfied by the world and people's selfishly motivated actions.

Getting hard to have the desire to care. I don't think I can stop it but, it's something I feel is becoming pointless.

Fuck. I wish this didn't happen. Really in need of some therapy right now. And sobriety. Going sober until I find out how to fix this.

Grad school choices.

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 20:44:40 GMT

I haven't done too much research in all this jazz but, I found a couple of graduate schools for architectural lighting design that I was thinking about getting more information on. The forerunner at the moment is Parsons but, I don't really want to be in NY for 2 years (and really more than that because I'd want to get residency for financial aid). If I went there it'd have to be in about 5-7 years which would give me time to work in film for awhile and build up a good resume there so I could come back to it freelance after get my masters.

Anyway..there's Parsons which is a bit more theory mumbojumbo that I've really already got a good sense of with film but, it's about the best school for architectural lighting design and two years is about as long as I want to spend on grad school.

Then there's Colorado University (the school I'm looking at is in Denver) which offers a better deal on just continued education and specifics in the more technical area.

My goal is to be both a freelance gaffer and architectural lighting designer so I can have my fun in film without starving and still constantly be submerged in my love of lighting. That's pretty much all I want out of my career now. Is to be a lighting designer of any sort. If I'm a gaffer forever, woot. If I design lighting in restaurants and homes forever, kinda woot...I'd really like to have some ties with filmmaking as I don't think I could live without it.

So, my questions are...who else knows of some really good schools for this field? What do you all think about continued education without a masters? Is it worth it? Has anyone done research in it?

Also, do you think 5 years is really enough time to build a solid resume in film so that I have the opportunity to get back into it after a couple year hiatus?

Don't know if anyone has any answers to these....are there more questions I should be asking?

Help. Opinions. Gotta start really taking charge of my future here or it'll just slip on away.

Wooooyeah

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 21:01:53 GMT

New York and Ani were phenomonal. Actually, just Ani. New York was alright. Cute guys in suits and really good food but, other than that it was just hectic and confusing and irritating to get around.

The show was the best concert I've been to. Ever. Hands down. She was beautiful, energetic, and her baby was there! So I got to see her. Ani veered off the set list a bit and then played past the encore :-D It was quite grand. The audience was the best I've ever seen there and her new songs were so gorgeous. Great times. I'm definitely going to try and catch the show in Tennessee this fall.

Times Square was amazing. Went twice actually. Got a rap performed for us by a crackhead dude. Although, as far as crackheads go, he was really cool.

Gotta a lot of cool graffitti pictures for David.

Spent a lot of my time being stressed because my good friend, Rachel, threatened to fire me for bringing one j to the mountains one time and dipping out on dailies to ess it with the boys. Granted, I know she doesn't like the shit but, I don't think it was a problem for any of the higher up folks and she was just pissed that I did it. When I responded, apologetically but, saying that I'm not really enjoying being the entire cinematography crew and if she had someone else for the job then to just go ahead and let me go...I found out it was basically an empty threat. Half of me right now wants to walk and the other half really hates the idea of walking out on my first gaffing credit. Honestly, though, I'm not really gaffing. It's pretty much being Rachel's bitch and setting up a few lights here and there when she decides she wants them. The equipment is shit and we're past the midway point so I'm just exhausted.

I won't leave unless we shoot next week's sex scene and the director does what I'm getting the impression he might do. Should that happen, I'll walk immediately and have told the entire crew that.

Blahblah....still don't have my car. Got some sickness issues going on that may end up being something serious but, I haven't told anyone yet because I'd hate to cause concern. Also, I don't really have too many people to chat about it with.

Another thing...I don't really want to go home to Charlotte anymore. It's becoming more and more apparent that people are just moving right along and I really just kind of hate going there and wondering about not doing anything. Really don't feel like talking to half the people. Pretty much just want to chill with David, Nick, maybe Desmond (don't really know him), Madalyn if she's in the right mood, and Claire and Charles. I got to know them a lot better during the trip and found out that I have sooo much in common with Claire. Charles is always chill, of course.

No one else has even bothered to make contact with me (and actually Madalyn never tries) over the past couple months. I know I haven't called but, I always am the fucking one to call and the phone works two ways, last time I checked.

Don't know where all of that came from. I'm just starting to realize how temporary and convenient some friendships have been and how little mine has meant to some people.

Fuck it. I'm gonna go put up my china lantern and get a 1/2 @ $25 bitches! Woot.

Peace.

might as well.

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 04:54:01 GMT

Goddamn I can't stop smiling.

The breaking point has been reached. Well, that's not true. The breaking point is being approached.

Things are so weird and awkward and amazingly rewarding right now.

I should be more upset about this car drama (apparently...everyone else is) but, it has definitely helped me along to getting just the right amount of alone time everyday.

Walking to and from work (2 hours total a day) has actually become the most therapeutic thing for me. I've met a lot of new people, been encouraged to walk about with random coworkers and enjoy their presence, and had the pleasure of being reunited with having a worldview.

Every so often, I feel like people (or perhaps just myself..can't speak for the rest of you) get into a rhythm of blindness and apathy only self-perpetuated by unrealistic or, more harmful, unfaithful goals.

It just seems that people get so caught up in where they're supposed to be and how they're supposed to get there that, not only do they forget what would actually make them happy, they forget that they don't need as much to really get there.

We don't need everything we use. We don't use everything we take. We abuse the possibility of racing to a light at the end of the tunnel before looking for another switch.

The end is not the answer. And I'm not exactly scared of the end. It's not what's going to lead or control me. It's probably just what I'm going to make for myself, nothing more and nothing less. Honestly, I'd like to at some point forget that it's even there so I can stop letting it crowd me with the justification of creating a life I'd hate to lead.

Been having a lot of unhealthy thoughts lately, too. Guess it comes with getting more time to think. Get the good ones and the bad ones. Went through a week or two there where shit wasn't looking good and I didn't even tell anyone about it. Not a person. I feel like if I started this, I'd need someone I don't have to finish it. Something tells me that David or Lyss or even Zak somehow would understand but, I can't exactly have this chat with any of them at the moment. I don't know if I ever could. These thoughts come to be once in awhile and I always just take 'em and put 'em someplace else. Tis an issue.

Ah well.

Yikes.O.Rama.

Hell yes. Ani in 2 days. Brooklyn in 1.

So exciting.

blahblahdrugsblah.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 21:49:33 GMT

So, last night was about the fucking shit. My luck turned around for a good 3 or 4 hours.

I was tucked away in bed all nice and ready for sleep when my buddy calls me up and says he's going to chill with some folks at the closest thing my school has to a frat house.

so i go because one of my good friends is back in town for a night and there's free beer, etc. etc.

everytime i've gone to this house for a party or shoot it's been kind of a downer or just somewhat lame but, this time around it was just about 6 or 7 people hanging out. It was very chill and we had some good conversations. Hung out on the roof/balcony thing and smoked some hookah. Used their three-man sling shot to toss beer cans into the neighbors yard. climbed out on the real roof.

given my history with roofs lately, i was a little scared that this would be the end of me but, after 4 or 5 beers it wasn't scary anymore.

anyway, then everyone decides to go to our interim dean of last year and head of the cinematography department's apartment complex and "break in" to the pool/hot tub (it was unlocked and easy). that was about the most fun i've had in a pool. drunk as hell playing chicken in the middle of the night is a blast.

then it rolls around to 3 am and everyone peaces out but, the night was not nearly over for me as i found myself finally hooking up with someone i've had a crush on for over a year. it was pretty nice to just do something with no strings. and to wake up with someone. dunno if we'll do it again or want to even but, it was nice to finally get there. despite the fact that we'd only gotten 2 hours of sleep and both had to go to work this morning.

i actually ended up being kinda late for work cause he brought me home and i decided to take a cat nap before walking to work ended up sleeping for an hour :-/

anywho, work was chill. those fellas are about the shit. they make me laugh so hard. i'm not gonna get to go to the beach with my family because of this car stuff but, if i were to be doing anything else, at least it's chilling with them. oh, i mean, working with them.

after work i went out to lunch with some buddies and it felt like a nice reunion adult time :-)

there's this massive rock quarry down the street from my school and i never knew it! it's the most gorgeous thing. my friend jumped off a cliff naked into it like a crazy person! very cool that the had the guts to do it.

anyway. just glad there was a bit of happiness in this hell of a month i've had. thought i'd share something nice.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 13:10:06 GMT

yes.

so....last night we broke into our old interim dean's apartments swimming pool and hot tub in a drunken stupor.

good. fucking. times.

then i finally hooked up with this fella i've had a crush on forever. it wasn't quite as expected but, good to know i have a shot at dating folks in the near future. the situation made me realize some shit about myself though.

as the past month has done, really. i've had a pretty shitty one. to the point of going down as the worst fucking month of my life.

hopefully things will brighten up though. kinda have to since i'll be seeing ani difranco in 8 days, bitches!

ugh. now i must change my shirt cause it smells like beer, chlorine and such then walk my hour to work. yayyyyy.

wooo!

karma shmarma

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 01:33:37 GMT

Words are vitamins.

and life is short.

---

Ani is so soon. Yay.

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What a shitty fucking couple of weeks. A lot of stupid shit has happened. It didn't really upset me until today though. I've actually been happier and more calm for the past few weeks than I can remember. Even though stuff was going on, the solutions have only been a matter of time and then it's on to the next thing. But, a few situations slipped just a bit out of my grasp this weekend. Over all the good of the past few weeks outweighs the bad. There's just a lot of change which for me is just more bittersweet than anything.

I'm sad to say, though, that I only see it getting worse. Hopefully I'll be able to handle anything else more efficiently.

---

The people I'm working on this movie with needed to give up their puggle so they can move to LA and my mom agreed to take him :-) His name is Potroast or Meatwad or Stupid. He responds to all of those, sadly.

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And I may be computerless soon so, later on!

Damn.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 20:51:37 GMT

The death of anyone I've ever known has always been extremely upsetting to me. More so it seems than with other people (not trying to demean anyone else's emotional process, though. that reaction can make sense). It's the most final and heartbreaking situation because there's absolutely no undoing it. Ever. Most anything involving people has at least the opportunity for resolution.

For some reason, though, I can't help but wonder if sometimes I get so upset more because of the person lost, the memories of others passing that it brings, or that it's another reminder that that's the last bit of unknown for everyone. It's hard to see, for me, why people don't get more moved by a death. These are 3 fairly upsetting things that just inevitably come up when someone goes. I'm terrified of experiencing any more of it and I'm not even half-way through my life.

Anyway. Whatever. If anyone ever needs to chat about that kind of stuff I'd be an ear because it's something I should, maybe we all should, think about some more.